Unrequited

Time

2010-11-21T23:35:00.000-08:00

Time -- friend or foe of a healing heart?

Friend. When reason erodes to emotion, justifications sound like tracks on a broken record and you've lost your way down memory lane, know that time will relieve you. One day you'll outgrow this helpless state of mind, and you'll have time to thank.

Foe. The delayed gratification time promises means nothing in the present. Tell the one drowning in emotion, repeating broken justifications and lost down memory lane that at some indefinite time in the future, you'll be better...but for now, get comfortable. All you can do is wait.

Perhaps that makes time the greatest frenemy you'll ever know. For better or worse, it's all you have.

Only Hope

2010-05-11T02:17:00.000-07:00

Whether cynicism is the lead or the understudy filling in for bruised optimism, playing the part can get tiring. And right now, I am tired.

So maybe optimism can (re)claim the stage for a change. This scene from "The Office" is a striking one, a lucid moment from Michael, whose romantic pursuits have otherwise included a chair model from a catalog "fate put in my hands" (actually, it was Pam).

I'd like to think how this hits home means that buried beneath my defenses are still pieces of the same faith. So here's hoping. It's all I have for now, but it's uplifting.

Same Difference

2010-04-19T00:10:00.000-07:00

A 7x7 article called "Fear Factor: On San Francisco's Commitment-Phobic Reputation" naturally caught my eye as I was waiting at my dentist's recently. While it was an interesting read, I was approaching the end before any chord really struck...but boy, did it strike.

"Is it possible you go for commitment-phobic guys because you're actually terrified, too?"

Hmm. All along, I saw myself typecast the guys I was attracted to -- intelligent, career-driven, confident, independent. Oblivious, aloof, casual, noncommittal. I found myself gravitate to guys who always eventually remembered that they were more into themselves than into me. I figured I was more emotionally mature and took pride in that.

But could I just be the flip side of the same coin? Is it possible I go for guys who can't commit because I can't stomach being with ones who can?

After all, I've also seen myself like a deer in headlights when good guys seemed too interested or available. I've shrugged off chivalrous gestures as attempts to try too hard. I've opined that relationships as popularly practiced are too confining.

I've stood on this soapbox pointing a finger at uncommitted guys, unaware of the three pointing back at me.

Walk The Line

2010-04-09T02:40:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: This post targets girls for simplicity's (and perhaps stereotype's) sake but swap "girl" and "boy," and the philosophy applies the same.

Girl friend versus girlfriend. Sounds the same and almost looks the same, but one small punctuation difference is all the difference to turn great girl friends into Godzilla girlfriends.

Let me paint you a picture. Girl is talking to Friend and Boyfriend:

Girl (G): How come you didn't call yesterday?
Friend: Sorry, I got slammed at work and wasn't able to.
G: That's OK. Hope work calmed down.

G: How come you didn't call yesterday?
Boyfriend (B): Sorry, I got slammed at work and wasn't able to.
G: Why didn't you call to tell me that?
B: ...Because I was slammed at work.
G: It would have taken five seconds to call to tell me that you're busy. I would have understood.
B: I'm telling you now. I didn't think it would be a big deal if we just talked today.
G: Well, I would have appreciated the heads-up. I was waiting for you when I could have done something else.
B: It's OK if we don't talk every day.
G: Do you not like talking to me?
B: That's not what I said.
G: Then are you going to call tonight?

I'm aware that there's a sense of entitlement that separates relationships from friendships. My question is why. Why are relationships held to such a different set of standards than that which has made for successful friendships?

I imagine everyone would benefit from the girlfriend who embodies girl friend behaviors -- the boy who learns to not fear commitment. The girl who learns to not sweat the small stuff. The friends who learn that being around a couple won't mean a "third wheel" situation that makes filing taxes sound more appealing.

It's a fine line but a line when walked, may steer clear of cracks and build a relationship based on something stronger than the adrenaline of drama, games and sex -- friendship.

Some Kind Of Wonderful

2009-09-11T01:30:00.000-07:00

Should guys be measured by the same ruler? For example, if we hear stories about what some guys do for a girl, should we be led to believe that most guys are similarly thoughtful when they like a girl?

Before anyone jumps to the defensive "of course not!," let me say that I get that not all guys are innately thoughtful. Different people have different degrees of showing that they care -- he who shows less does not necessarily care less. But then I hear those stories of some kind of wonderful, of small gestures that show he wants to be with her, and I'm reminded of what a caring guy is capable of.

I keep circling back to the conclusion that if a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen, no matter what. He will want her as his girlfriend lest she could become someone else's. He will spontaneously tell her he's thinking about her (maybe even misses her). He will try to remember her likes. Even the heretofore "thoughtless" guy will think to make that extra effort because he's just that into her.

Which raises the question, if a guy isn't doing the above, is it because there isn't (and shouldn't be) a general ruler to measure all guys against? Or is it because he's just not that into you, and you'd do well to take his actions (or lack thereof) as a potential flag?

Optimistic me wants to say the former. Cynical me says to make the mistake once is his fault; to make it again is mine.

Beauty And The Beast

2009-07-12T10:22:00.000-07:00

I'm honestly not trying to be mean when I say, have you ever seen an attractive girl with a not-so-attractive guy and wondered, "Why...?" If we tend to gravitate toward people who, on a scale of 1-10, are two points away either way, why is a girl who's, say, an 8, with a guy who's a 3?

Good-looking girls go for good-looking guys. Plain and simple. You find me an attractive girl who says she isn't into looks at all, and I'll tell you she's ordered a tall glass of "I'm lying through my teeth" and you're drinking right out of it if you believe her.

So why are there 8s with 3s? My theory is because these girls are done. Done with the jerks who think they can get away with anything. Done with being hurt so many times that the girl who once wouldn't settle is, well, settling. Not to a bad 3 but to the realization that there doesn't exist a good guy who has the looks to match, a notion the rest of us have yet to discover as we still cling desperately to the contrary.

Nice guys may finish last, but they end up with the gold. Right?

Take Two

2009-07-05T10:57:00.000-07:00

How many times does it take to get over a guy? Twice, according to a friend of mine.

The first time is after the actual breakup. You know the drill -- ice cream, chick flicks, emo status updates... But however long it takes to get there, the destination is always the same. Sooner or later, you're back on your feet, kicking old doors closed and looking to open new ones.

Then there's a second time -- when he starts dating again. That's when another door is wrenched open, and buried (maybe even forgotten) emotions are brought to the surface for an unsolicited reunion. You were so focused on your successful recovery that you may have missed his. The good news is, things are always easier the second time around. Something to shake off the dust may still be in order, but you can leave the ice cream in the freezer.

Flags

2009-04-13T09:54:00.000-07:00

In soccer, there are two types of flags. Yellow signifies caution and red, a send-off. In romance, there's only red.

I'm not saying I don't believe in second chances. What I mean is if there are things that make you think twice about whether a person is date-worthy, the odds are they're not. You may reason that maybe they deserve the benefit of the doubt, or maybe things will be different with you. Maybe. Or maybe as Alex in "He's Just Not That Into You" said, you're the rule, not the exception. You've only known them for a fraction of their life, and by the default of time, they've had years to condition themselves through simple repetition. Repetition becomes habit, and habits become the rules they act by. Learning to see flags that translate to "send-off" saves you from asking the age-old question -- "Where did we go wrong?" -- in the future.

What constitutes a flag will differ for everyone, but the underlying gut feeling stays the same. Here are my flags so far:

-- The Two C's. Confidence: good. Cockiness: bad. Belief in yourself is attractive, but believing you're better than everyone else is not. If a guy is only about himself, he'll probably be that way around you, too.

-- Relationship Rookie. Flirting for two months that culminates in a party hookup is not a relationship. A guy who couldn't care less for a relationship is a guy you couldn't care less for.

-- History 101. It's funny now how he ditched one girl for another in high school or played that spoiled princess, but will it still be funny when he pulls the same shit on you? Mistakes are downplayed over time but take a lesson in history and don't become another chapter in that book.

-- An Inconvenient Truth. Sometimes it's hard to hear the truth, but it damn beats being lied to. If he can't look you in the eye, resorts to lying or says (or doesn't say) things for the sake of avoiding a real conversation, feel sorry for him. He's lost his balls and can't find them.

-- Respect: Just A 7-Letter Word. He doesn't see the problems in this list, has committed half of the things and is well on his way to personally extending it. Treating you well is beyond him because to him, "respect" is just another 7-letter word.

Homecoming

2009-02-15T20:27:00.000-08:00

I figured the day after Valentine's Day was as good as any to return. If anything, it could mark the chance for a clean slate, to start over without the excess baggage of the last couple of months. So I come back a little wiser, a little stronger, a little humbler and likely a little more cynical.

Long story short, N wasn't a good guy. I saw the signs, but I overlooked them for reasons that warrant their own posts. Turning a blind eye had its consequences, but at the very least, I came out of it with lessons learned and hopefully the foresight to flag the flags the next time around. Flags -- that's a whole other topic in itself. For now, it feels good to be back.

After The Break

2008-10-22T17:42:00.000-07:00

I know I wasn't posting that often to begin with, but either way, I'll be taking a (brief) hiatus. Things have happened, and I need a little time to recollect before I even think about writing any of it here. And while I want my posts to be as organic as possible, I also want to say it right. So until I figure out how...stay tuned after the break.

Like A Guy

2008-09-21T13:07:00.000-07:00

Emotion is a double-edged sword.

It's what makes girls girls. We are more compassionate and able to connect with one another in a way guys never could (or would dare to admit). We can comfortably articulate our feelings and run with our heart on our sleeve without running the risk of being called gay or told to strap on a pair.

But by the same token, it's what makes girls girls. We become more vulnerable to the things said and done, and for that matter, anything left unspoken or undone. We tire ourselves out reading between the lines, hoping to find fine print that may or may not be there. We want to talk about every fucking thing.

Well, I don't want to be that girl -- I want to be better. I want to be the best of both worlds. I want to cry with others, not for others. I want to fight a girl's natural instinct and play the game like a guy.

What Goes Around Comes Around

2008-09-07T10:07:00.000-07:00

I'm not that superstitious, but there are a few harmless things I'll do for fun. When I go through a tunnel, I'll hold my breath and make a wish. When all digits of the time are the same (e.g. 11:11), I'll make a wish. (See a pattern?) I don't really believe my wishes will come true, but it's fun to hope they might.

There's one thing I do believe in, though, and that's karma. How I think about and treat others has often circled back to how I'm thought about and treated. Sometimes it's a blessing, sometimes it's a big bite in the butt.

So if karma doesn't fail to deliver (and it rarely does), I can't help but wonder...what if the reason I find roadblocks in my love life is because I've roadblocked guys in their love lives? In my defense, most of the guys were by no means datable, but what goes around comes around...right?

Update: I'm beginning to believe in irony, too.

Pride Vs. Pry

2008-08-17T12:12:00.000-07:00

N asked to talk but never followed through after agreeing to when. There are two natural reactions in this type of situation:

1) Let it go and hope he takes the high road to explain what happened. Questions may stay unanswered, but at least your pride remains intact.

2) Take another step and ask why he bailed. You'll likely get some answers but at the risk of appearing to pry into his personal space.

Which would you choose -- pride or pry?

Maybe this is neither here nor there because with or without conversation, I've gotten my answers. He planned to talk but didn't, and then he didn't care to explain why. Actions (or lack thereof) speak louder than words.

Silence speaks louder than words.

Fools Rush In

2008-08-09T01:20:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had something you should have said to one person but told other people instead, so all at once you weren't saying enough and already saying too much?

There's this guy -- "N" -- and without a word to him, I've managed to put my foot in my mouth. N's the type of guy you feel you need a guard against, the type you want to proceed with caution. Not because he's a bad guy, but because you have better luck reading a brick. With guys like N, it's wise not to jump the gun and put yourself in a vulnerable position. Only fools rush in.

So am I a fool, because I rushed in, I jumped the gun and I put myself in that vulnerable position. I was so wrapped up in how to act around him that I let myself go around them. To them, I saw myself say too much too soon, like an out-of-body experience and I was powerless to stop myself. Now I'm powerless to their inquisitive questions and the risk that I'll once again speak out of turn.

The Blame Game

2008-07-22T23:58:00.000-07:00

At 23, I'm starting to run out of excuses.

When I was in college, I blamed it on Berkeley. The school is notorious for its shortage of eligible guys, which is why girls get what's called "Berkeley Vision" -- a visual impairment where they settle (and I mean settle) for almost anyone that's in their line of sight.

When I started work, I blamed it on the industry. Public Relations is so female populated -- my team of 19 has 16 girls. This summer we hired six interns, all girls. (But more importantly, I'm in a professional setting.)

Now I've been out and about for a year, and if things are still the same, then who's next to blame? Myself for possibly setting unrealistic standards or San Francisco for leaving fish like this in the sea?

I'll blame it on Disney instead.

A New Beginning

2008-07-20T01:11:00.000-07:00

Ironically, I've always rejected the idea of owning a blog.

To think people cared enough about my shit was a little presumptuous, and even if they did, some things should just stay private. (I bet the advent of the blog has caused the inventor of the diary to stir in his grave a little...or is he still alive?)

Yet 2.0 is now so integral to my life where I'm a hair away from sharing my SSN on Facebook that maybe blogs aren't such a crazy idea anymore.

So here I am, at a new beginning.