Flags

In soccer, there are two types of warnings. Yellow signifies caution and red, a send-off. In romance, there's only red.

I'm not saying I don't believe in second chances. What I mean is if there are things that make you think twice about whether a person is date-worthy, the odds are they're not. You may reason that maybe they deserve the benefit of the doubt, or maybe things will be different with you. Maybe. Or maybe as Alex in "He's Just Not That Into You" said, you're the rule, not the exception. You've only known them for a fraction of their life, and by the default of time, they've had years to condition themselves through simple repetition. Repetition becomes habit, and habits become the rules they act by. Learning to see flags that translate to "send-off" saves you from asking the age-old question -- "Where did we go wrong?" -- in the future.

What constitutes a flag will differ for everyone, but the underlying gut feeling stays the same. Here are my flags so far:

-- The Two C's. Confidence: good. Cockiness: bad. Belief in yourself is attractive, but believing you're better than everyone else is not. If a guy is only about himself, he'll probably be that way around you, too.

-- Relationship Rookie. Flirting for two months that culminates in a party hookup is not a relationship. A guy who couldn't care less for a relationship is a guy you couldn't care less for.

-- History 101. It's funny now how he ditched one girl for another in high school or played that spoiled princess, but will it still be funny when he pulls the same shit on you? Mistakes are downplayed over time but take a lesson in history and don't become another chapter in that book.

-- An Inconvenient Truth. Sometimes it's hard to hear the truth, but it damn beats being lied to. If he can't look you in the eye, resorts to lying or says (or doesn't say) things for the sake of avoiding a real conversation, feel sorry for him. He's lost his balls and can't find them.

-- Respect: Just A 7-Letter Word. He doesn't see the problems in this list, has committed half of the things and is well on his way to personally extending it. Treating you well is beyond him because to him, "respect" is just another 7-letter word.

Homecoming

I figured the day after Valentine's Day was as good as any to return. If anything, it could mark the chance for a clean slate, to start over without the excess baggage of the last couple of months. So I come back a little wiser, a little stronger, a little humbler and likely a little more cynical.

Long story short, N wasn't a good guy. I saw the signs, but I overlooked them for reasons that warrant their own posts. Turning a blind eye had its consequences, but at the very least, I came out of it with lessons learned and hopefully the foresight to flag the flags the next time around. Flags -- that's a whole other topic in itself. For now, it feels good to be back.

After The Break

I know I wasn't posting that often to begin with, but either way, I'll be taking a (brief) hiatus. Things have happened, and I need a little time to recollect before I even think about writing any of it here. And while I want my posts to be as organic as possible, I also want to say it right. So until I figure out how...stay tuned after the break.

Like A Guy

Emotion is a double-edged sword.

It's what makes girls girls. We are more compassionate and able to connect with one another in a way guys never could (or would dare to admit). We can comfortably articulate our feelings and run with our heart on our sleeve without running the risk of being called gay or told to strap on a pair.

But by the same token, it's what makes girls girls. We become more vulnerable to the things said and done, and for that matter, anything left unspoken or undone. We tire ourselves out reading between the lines, hoping to find fine print that may or may not be there. We want to talk about every fucking thing.

Well, I don't want to be that girl -- I want to be better. I want to be the best of both worlds. I want to cry with others, not for others. I want to fight a girl's natural instinct and play the game like a guy.

What Goes Around Comes Around

I'm not that superstitious, but there are a few harmless things I'll do for fun. When I go through a tunnel, I'll hold my breath and make a wish. When all digits of the time are the same (e.g. 11:11), I'll make a wish. (See a pattern?) I don't really believe my wishes will come true, but it's fun to hope they might.

There's one thing I do believe in, though, and that's karma. How I think about and treat others has often circled back to how I'm thought about and treated. Sometimes it's a blessing, sometimes it's a big bite in the butt.

So if karma doesn't fail to deliver (and it rarely does), I can't help but wonder...what if the reason I find roadblocks in my love life is because I've roadblocked guys in their love lives? In my defense, most of the guys were by no means datable, but what goes around comes around...right?

Update: I'm beginning to believe in irony, too.

Pride Vs. Pry

N asked to talk but never followed through after agreeing to when. There are two natural reactions in this type of situation:

1) Let it go and hope he takes the high road to explain what happened. Questions may stay unanswered, but at least your pride remains intact.

2) Take another step and ask why he bailed. You'll likely get some answers but at the risk of appearing to pry into his personal space.

Which would you choose -- pride or pry?

Maybe this is neither here nor there because with or without conversation, I've gotten my answers. He planned to talk but didn't, and then he didn't care to explain why. Actions (or lack thereof) speak louder than words.

Silence speaks louder than words.

Fools Rush In

Have you ever had something you should have said to one person but told other people instead, so all at once you weren't saying enough and already saying too much?

There's this guy -- "N" -- and without a word to him, I've managed to put my foot in my mouth. N's the type of guy you feel you need a guard against, the type you want to proceed with caution. Not because he's a bad guy, but because you have better luck reading a brick. With guys like N, it's wise not to jump the gun and put yourself in a vulnerable position. Only fools rush in.

So am I a fool, because I rushed in, I jumped the gun and I put myself in that vulnerable position. I was so wrapped up in how to act around him that I let myself go around them. To them, I saw myself say too much too soon, like an out-of-body experience and I was powerless to stop myself. Now I'm powerless to their inquisitive questions and the risk that I'll once again speak out of turn.