Time

Time -- friend or foe of a healing heart?

Friend. When reason erodes to emotion, justifications sound like tracks on a broken record and you've lost your way down memory lane, know that time will relieve you. One day you'll outgrow this helpless state of mind, and you'll have time to thank.

Foe. The delayed gratification time promises means nothing in the present. Tell the one drowning in emotion, repeating broken justifications and lost down memory lane that at some indefinite time in the future, you'll be better...but for now, get comfortable. All you can do is wait.

Perhaps that makes time the greatest frenemy you'll ever know. For better or worse, it's all you have.

Only Hope

Whether cynicism is the lead or the understudy filling in for bruised optimism, playing the part can get tiring. And right now, I am tired.

So maybe optimism can (re)claim the stage for a change. This scene from "The Office" is a striking one, a lucid moment from Michael, whose romantic pursuits have otherwise included a chair model from a catalog "fate put in my hands" (actually, it was Pam).

I'd like to think how this hits home means that buried beneath my defenses are still pieces of the same faith. So here's hoping. It's all I have for now, but it's uplifting.

Same Difference

A 7x7 article called "Fear Factor: On San Francisco's Commitment-Phobic Reputation" naturally caught my eye as I was waiting at my dentist's recently. While it was an interesting read, I was approaching the end before any chord really struck...but boy, did it strike.

"Is it possible you go for commitment-phobic guys because you're actually terrified, too?"

Hmm. All along, I saw myself typecast the guys I was attracted to -- intelligent, career-driven, confident, independent. Oblivious, aloof, casual, noncommittal. I found myself gravitate to guys who always eventually remembered that they were more into themselves than into me. I figured I was more emotionally mature and took pride in that.

But could I just be the flip side of the same coin? Is it possible I go for guys who can't commit because I can't stomach being with ones who can?

After all, I've also seen myself like a deer in headlights when good guys seemed too interested or available. I've shrugged off chivalrous gestures as attempts to try too hard. I've opined that relationships as popularly practiced are too confining.

I've stood on this soapbox pointing a finger at uncommitted guys, unaware of the three pointing back at me.

Walk The Line

Disclaimer: This post targets girls for simplicity's (and perhaps stereotype's) sake but swap "girl" and "boy," and the philosophy applies the same.

Girl friend versus girlfriend. Sounds the same and almost looks the same, but one small punctuation difference is all the difference to turn great girl friends into Godzilla girlfriends.

Let me paint you a picture. Girl is talking to Friend and Boyfriend:

Girl (G): How come you didn't call yesterday?
Friend: Sorry, I got slammed at work and wasn't able to.
G: That's OK. Hope work calmed down.

G: How come you didn't call yesterday?
Boyfriend (B): Sorry, I got slammed at work and wasn't able to.
G: Why didn't you call to tell me that?
B: ...Because I was slammed at work.
G: It would have taken five seconds to call to tell me that you're busy. I would have understood.
B: I'm telling you now. I didn't think it would be a big deal if we just talked today.
G: Well, I would have appreciated the heads-up. I was waiting for you when I could have done something else.
B: It's OK if we don't talk every day.
G: Do you not like talking to me?
B: That's not what I said.
G: Then are you going to call tonight?

I'm aware that there's a sense of entitlement that separates relationships from friendships. My question is why. Why are relationships held to such a different set of standards than that which has made for successful friendships?

I imagine everyone would benefit from the girlfriend who embodies girl friend behaviors -- the boy who learns to not fear commitment. The girl who learns to not sweat the small stuff. The friends who learn that being around a couple won't mean a "third wheel" situation that makes filing taxes sound more appealing.

It's a fine line but a line when walked, may steer clear of cracks and build a relationship based on something stronger than the adrenaline of drama, games and sex -- friendship.

Some Kind Of Wonderful

Should guys be measured by the same ruler? For example, if we hear stories about what some guys do for a girl, should we be led to believe that most guys are similarly thoughtful when they like a girl?

Before anyone jumps to the defensive "of course not!," let me say that I get that not all guys are innately thoughtful. Different people have different degrees of showing that they care -- he who shows less does not necessarily care less. But then I hear those stories of some kind of wonderful, of small gestures that show he wants to be with her, and I'm reminded of what a caring guy is capable of.

I keep circling back to the conclusion that if a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen, no matter what. He will want her as his girlfriend lest she could become someone else's. He will spontaneously tell her he's thinking about her (maybe even misses her). He will try to remember her likes. Even the heretofore "thoughtless" guy will think to make that extra effort because he's just that into her.

Which raises the question, if a guy isn't doing the above, is it because there isn't (and shouldn't be) a general ruler to measure all guys against? Or is it because he's just not that into you, and you'd do well to take his actions (or lack thereof) as a potential flag?

Optimistic me wants to say the former. Cynical me says to make the mistake once is his fault; to make it again is mine.

Beauty And The Beast

I'm honestly not trying to be mean when I say, have you ever seen an attractive girl with a not-so-attractive guy and wondered, "Why...?" If we tend to gravitate toward people who, on a scale of 1-10, are two points away either way, why is a girl who's, say, an 8, with a guy who's a 3?

Good-looking girls go for good-looking guys. Plain and simple. You find me an attractive girl who says she isn't into looks at all, and I'll tell you she's ordered a tall glass of "I'm lying through my teeth" and you're drinking right out of it if you believe her.

So why are there 8s with 3s? My theory is because these girls are done. Done with the jerks who think they can get away with anything. Done with being hurt so many times that the girl who once wouldn't settle is, well, settling. Not to a bad 3 but to the realization that there doesn't exist a good guy who has the looks to match, a notion the rest of us have yet to discover as we still cling desperately to the contrary.

Nice guys may finish last, but they end up with the gold. Right?

Take Two

How many times does it take to get over a guy? Twice, according to a friend of mine.

The first time is after the actual breakup. You know the drill -- ice cream, chick flicks, emo status updates... But however long it takes to get there, the destination is always the same. Sooner or later, you're back on your feet, kicking old doors closed and looking to open new ones.

Then there's a second time -- when he starts dating again. That's when another door is wrenched open, and buried (maybe even forgotten) emotions are brought to the surface for an unsolicited reunion. You were so focused on your successful recovery that you may have missed his. The good news is, things are always easier the second time around. Something to shake off the dust may still be in order, but you can leave the ice cream in the freezer.