After The Break

I know I wasn't posting that often to begin with, but either way, I'll be taking a (brief) hiatus. Things have happened, and I need a little time to recollect before I even think about writing any of it here. And while I want my posts to be as organic as possible, I also want to say it right. So until I figure out how...stay tuned after the break.

Like A Guy

Emotion is a double-edged sword.

It's what makes girls girls. We are more compassionate and able to connect with one another in a way guys never could (or would dare to admit). We can comfortably articulate our feelings and run with our heart on our sleeve without running the risk of being called gay or told to strap on a pair.

But by the same token, it's what makes girls girls. We become more vulnerable to the things said and done, and for that matter, anything left unspoken or undone. We tire ourselves out reading between the lines, hoping to find fine print that may or may not be there. We want to talk about every fucking thing.

Well, I don't want to be that girl -- I want to be better. I want to be the best of both worlds. I want to cry with others, not for others. I want to fight a girl's natural instinct and play the game like a guy.

What Goes Around Comes Around

I'm not that superstitious, but there are a few harmless things I'll do for fun. When I go through a tunnel, I'll hold my breath and make a wish. When all digits of the time are the same (e.g. 11:11), I'll make a wish. (See a pattern?) I don't really believe my wishes will come true, but it's fun to hope they might.

There's one thing I do believe in, though, and that's karma. How I think about and treat others has often circled back to how I'm thought about and treated. Sometimes it's a blessing, sometimes it's a big bite in the butt.

So if karma doesn't fail to deliver (and it rarely does), I can't help but wonder...what if the reason I find roadblocks in my love life is because I've roadblocked guys in their love lives? In my defense, most of the guys were by no means datable, but what goes around comes around...right?

Update: I'm beginning to believe in irony, too.

Pride Vs. Pry

N asked to talk but never followed through after agreeing to when. There are two natural reactions in this type of situation:

1) Let it go and hope he takes the high road to explain what happened. Questions may stay unanswered, but at least your pride remains intact.

2) Take another step and ask why he bailed. You'll likely get some answers but at the risk of appearing to pry into his personal space.

Which would you choose -- pride or pry?

Maybe this is neither here nor there because with or without conversation, I've gotten my answers. He planned to talk but didn't, and then he didn't care to explain why. Actions (or lack thereof) speak louder than words.

Silence speaks louder than words.

Fools Rush In

Have you ever had something you should have said to one person but told other people instead, so all at once you weren't saying enough and already saying too much?

There's this guy -- "N" -- and without a word to him, I've managed to put my foot in my mouth. N's the type of guy you feel you need a guard against, the type you want to proceed with caution. Not because he's a bad guy, but because you have better luck reading a brick. With guys like N, it's wise not to jump the gun and put yourself in a vulnerable position. Only fools rush in.

So am I a fool, because I rushed in, I jumped the gun and I put myself in that vulnerable position. I was so wrapped up in how to act around him that I let myself go around them. To them, I saw myself say too much too soon, like an out-of-body experience and I was powerless to stop myself. Now I'm powerless to their inquisitive questions and the risk that I'll once again speak out of turn.

The Blame Game

At 23, I'm starting to run out of excuses.

When I was in college, I blamed it on Berkeley. The school is notorious for its shortage of eligible guys, which is why girls get what's called "Berkeley Vision" -- a visual impairment where they settle (and I mean settle) for almost anyone that's in their line of sight.

When I started work, I blamed it on the industry. Public Relations is so female populated -- my team of 19 has 16 girls. This summer we hired six interns, all girls. (But more importantly, I'm in a professional setting.)

Now I've been out and about for a year, and if things are still the same, then who's next to blame? Myself for possibly setting unrealistic standards or San Francisco for leaving fish like this in the sea?

I'll blame it on Disney instead.

A New Beginning

Ironically, I've always rejected the idea of owning a blog.

To think people cared enough about my shit was a little presumptuous, and even if they did, some things should just stay private. (I bet the advent of the blog has caused the inventor of the diary to stir in his grave a little...or is he still alive?)

Yet 2.0 is now so integral to my life where I'm a hair away from sharing my SSN on Facebook that maybe blogs aren't such a crazy idea anymore.

So here I am, at a new beginning.