Only Hope

Whether cynicism is the lead or the understudy filling in for bruised optimism, playing the part can get tiring. And right now, I am tired.

So maybe optimism can (re)claim the stage for a change. This scene from "The Office" is a striking one, a lucid moment from Michael, whose romantic pursuits have otherwise included a chair model from a catalog "fate put in my hands" (actually, it was Pam).

I'd like to think how this hits home means that buried beneath my defenses are still pieces of the same faith. So here's hoping. It's all I have for now, but it's uplifting.

Same Difference

A 7x7 article called "Fear Factor: On San Francisco's Commitment-Phobic Reputation" naturally caught my eye as I was waiting at my dentist's recently. While it was an interesting read, I was approaching the end before any chord really struck...but boy, did it strike.

"Is it possible you go for commitment-phobic guys because you're actually terrified, too?"

Hmm. All along, I saw myself typecast the guys I was attracted to -- intelligent, career-driven, confident, independent. Oblivious, aloof, casual, noncommittal. I found myself gravitate to guys who always eventually remembered that they were more into themselves than into me. I figured I was more emotionally mature and took pride in that.

But could I just be the flip side of the same coin? Is it possible I go for guys who can't commit because I can't stomach being with ones who can?

After all, I've also seen myself like a deer in headlights when good guys seemed too interested or available. I've shrugged off chivalrous gestures as attempts to try too hard. I've opined that relationships as popularly practiced are too confining.

I've stood on this soapbox pointing a finger at uncommitted guys, unaware of the three pointing back at me.

What Goes Around Comes Around

I'm not that superstitious, but there are a few harmless things I'll do for fun. When I go through a tunnel, I'll hold my breath and make a wish. When all digits of the time are the same (e.g. 11:11), I'll make a wish. (See a pattern?) I don't really believe my wishes will come true, but it's fun to hope they might.

There's one thing I do believe in, though, and that's karma. How I think about and treat others has often circled back to how I'm thought about and treated. Sometimes it's a blessing, sometimes it's a big bite in the butt.

So if karma doesn't fail to deliver (and it rarely does), I can't help but wonder...what if the reason I find roadblocks in my love life is because I've roadblocked guys in their love lives? In my defense, most of the guys were by no means datable, but what goes around comes around...right?

Update: I'm beginning to believe in irony, too.

The Blame Game

At 23, I'm starting to run out of excuses.

When I was in college, I blamed it on Berkeley. The school is notorious for its shortage of eligible guys, which is why girls get what's called "Berkeley Vision" -- a visual impairment where they settle (and I mean settle) for almost anyone that's in their line of sight.

When I started work, I blamed it on the industry. Public Relations is so female populated -- my team of 19 has 16 girls. This summer we hired six interns, all girls. (But more importantly, I'm in a professional setting.)

Now I've been out and about for a year, and if things are still the same, then who's next to blame? Myself for possibly setting unrealistic standards or San Francisco for leaving fish like this in the sea?

I'll blame it on Disney instead.