Some Kind Of Wonderful

Should guys be measured by the same ruler? For example, if we hear stories about what some guys do for a girl, should we be led to believe that most guys are similarly thoughtful when they like a girl?

Before anyone jumps to the defensive "of course not!," let me say that I get that not all guys are innately thoughtful. Different people have different degrees of showing that they care -- he who shows less does not necessarily care less. But then I hear those stories of some kind of wonderful, of small gestures that show he wants to be with her, and I'm reminded of what a caring guy is capable of.

I keep circling back to the conclusion that if a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen, no matter what. He will want her as his girlfriend lest she could become someone else's. He will spontaneously tell her he's thinking about her (maybe even misses her). He will try to remember her likes. Even the heretofore "thoughtless" guy will think to make that extra effort because he's just that into her.

Which raises the question, if a guy isn't doing the above, is it because there isn't (and shouldn't be) a general ruler to measure all guys against? Or is it because he's just not that into you, and you'd do well to take his actions (or lack thereof) as a potential flag?

Optimistic me wants to say the former. Cynical me says to make the mistake once is his fault; to make it again is mine.

Beauty And The Beast

I'm honestly not trying to be mean when I say, have you ever seen an attractive girl with a not-so-attractive guy and wondered, "Why...?" If we tend to gravitate toward people who, on a scale of 1-10, are two points away either way, why is a girl who's, say, an 8, with a guy who's a 3?

Good-looking girls go for good-looking guys. Plain and simple. You find me an attractive girl who says she isn't into looks at all, and I'll tell you she's ordered a tall glass of "I'm lying through my teeth" and you're drinking right out of it if you believe her.

So why are there 8s with 3s? My theory is because these girls are done. Done with the jerks who think they can get away with anything. Done with being hurt so many times that the girl who once wouldn't settle is, well, settling. Not to a bad 3 but to the realization that there doesn't exist a good guy who has the looks to match, a notion the rest of us have yet to discover as we still cling desperately to the contrary.

Nice guys may finish last, but they end up with the gold. Right?

Take Two

How many times does it take to get over a guy? Twice, according to a friend of mine.

The first time is after the actual breakup. You know the drill -- ice cream, chick flicks, emo status updates... But however long it takes to get there, the destination is always the same. Sooner or later, you're back on your feet, kicking old doors closed and looking to open new ones.

Then there's a second time -- when he starts dating again. That's when another door is wrenched open, and buried (maybe even forgotten) emotions are brought to the surface for an unsolicited reunion. You were so focused on your successful recovery that you may have missed his. The good news is, things are always easier the second time around. Something to shake off the dust may still be in order, but you can leave the ice cream in the freezer.

Flags

In soccer, there are two types of warnings. Yellow signifies caution and red, a send-off. In romance, there's only red.

I'm not saying I don't believe in second chances. What I mean is if there are things that make you think twice about whether a person is date-worthy, the odds are they're not. You may reason that maybe they deserve the benefit of the doubt, or maybe things will be different with you. Maybe. Or maybe as Alex in "He's Just Not That Into You" said, you're the rule, not the exception. You've only known them for a fraction of their life, and by the default of time, they've had years to condition themselves through simple repetition. Repetition becomes habit, and habits become the rules they act by. Learning to see flags that translate to "send-off" saves you from asking the age-old question -- "Where did we go wrong?" -- in the future.

What constitutes a flag will differ for everyone, but the underlying gut feeling stays the same. Here are my flags so far:

-- The Two C's. Confidence: good. Cockiness: bad. Belief in yourself is attractive, but believing you're better than everyone else is not. If a guy is only about himself, he'll probably be that way around you, too.

-- Relationship Rookie. Flirting for two months that culminates in a party hookup is not a relationship. A guy who couldn't care less for a relationship is a guy you couldn't care less for.

-- History 101. It's funny now how he ditched one girl for another in high school or played that spoiled princess, but will it still be funny when he pulls the same shit on you? Mistakes are downplayed over time but take a lesson in history and don't become another chapter in that book.

-- An Inconvenient Truth. Sometimes it's hard to hear the truth, but it damn beats being lied to. If he can't look you in the eye, resorts to lying or says (or doesn't say) things for the sake of avoiding a real conversation, feel sorry for him. He's lost his balls and can't find them.

-- Respect: Just A 7-Letter Word. He doesn't see the problems in this list, has committed half of the things and is well on his way to personally extending it. Treating you well is beyond him because to him, "respect" is just another 7-letter word.

Homecoming

I figured the day after Valentine's Day was as good as any to return. If anything, it could mark the chance for a clean slate, to start over without the excess baggage of the last couple of months. So I come back a little wiser, a little stronger, a little humbler and likely a little more cynical.

Long story short, N wasn't a good guy. I saw the signs, but I overlooked them for reasons that warrant their own posts. Turning a blind eye had its consequences, but at the very least, I came out of it with lessons learned and hopefully the foresight to flag the flags the next time around. Flags -- that's a whole other topic in itself. For now, it feels good to be back.